Clearing out the 2012 bucket list

Yep, am busy clearing out my bucket list....such a great way to validate my absence on here for entire Q2.

At the beginning of the year, this was how the bucket list looked like in my head.

DO NOT FUCK UP.

...because invariably, I do. 80% of the time, I don't manage to keep up the action with the good intentions. 

This is the year Im going to just do it!!!


So now examining the finer points of my bucket list....because this is the most effective way to honestly evaluate myself, and push myself harder to check off pending items. Only 5 more months to go, no time to lose!


1. Exercise more - At least thrice per week. 
Merit: On average, the closest I have gotten is twice a week, and that probably happened maybe once every 3-4 weeks. Have found that it is mostly counter-productive to plan for exercise in the nighttime, because I get too tired/lazy/hungry to even go out of the house, let alone sustain a 30min jog. So recently I have switched to morning jogs / workouts. Now I just need to stop myself from wanting to stay up till 1am. Discipline is sadly wanting as usual. Will try harder for next month and update progress on here.

2. Buy health insurance and start investing for long term.
Gold: Bitten my teeth and forced myself to trawl through endless online debates about term life VS full life insurance, reading up about sly tricky timetraps of so called endowment plans, meeting insurance agent after work Thursday nights. FINALLY I can strike off one item on the bucket list. Now it has shifted to a different challenge - how to put aside more $$$ each month so I can pay off the premiums AND have some savings left over.

3. Project to avoid becoming "that single female desperado lusting over younger men while shut up after hours at home watching soppy romcoms....eventually to die old and single in the toilet."
Gold: I really deserve a pat on the back for this one. Never knew you have to work to get dates, but I guess same goes for all of us not in Angelina Jolie's calibre. Despite constant disapproving remarks from two close friends, I went ahead to get a membership on this dating site, because it's downright stupid to not be able to read / reply to everybody's messages for the lack of 1-2 measly dollars a day. Since Im doing this, Im going in full steam ahead. Sadly though, this site doesn't seem to offer as many potential matches as another (free) site Im trying out. Ah well, cant say I didn't try.

After 2 weeks, there has already been at least 3 matches with high potential, or at least seem interesting enough to warrant following up with a date. I'll have to step on my toes for this, knowing my tendency to procrastinate I have to set concrete dates to get the ball rolling.

Was supposed to do some work an hour ago, so the rest will have to follow in subsequent posts - which means, yay! resuming blogging.

Slow down Sunday

Listening to this mix as I type. Just perfect for now.

The Perfect Sunday Morning from laurenbernal3 on 8tracks.

It reminds me of some songs used for The Descendants' soundtrack. 

Watched it two weeks back, really liked it, but never got around to even reflect further.

Some would find it boring. What, it's just about some old guy who's dumb enough to not realise his wife's having an affair, and doesn't know how to handle his own two daughters any more.

It could have been a tragic, self obsessed drag. But instead it was quietly endearing, with funny little moments and a slow satisfactory build up to a revelation about love, family, and faith. Funny when your daughter's boyfriend gives you advice on how to handle your own daughters, and calls you boss. Heartbreaking when you realise you still love your wife, and try to get her lover to say one last goodbye before she gets plugged off her life support system. 

I like this moment here when he collapses on the ground after having to break the news to his wife's friends. All his pent up emotions expressed in a single moment...

When things have happened, people are going to pass on, the best you could do is to hold on tighter to what you still have. Looking at the wealth you already possess, maybe things are never as bad as they seem?

2012 Beginnings: Appraisals, Relationships, Minister Pay, Ageing (duh)

Only just publishing this post I started writing in uh, 1st week of Jan?

I tend to blog in 2 conditions:
- Either super slack, dont want to work mood
- Or super stressed, dont want to work mood

I think it's the latter today.

So 2012 came and went, along with the obligatory local countdown telecasts, Gurmit Singh plus all other familiar faces.
I was beginning to wonder whether the appraisal would even take place in Jan, when-bang-boss walks over to desk today and drops the bomb,"Ok, appraisal's happening tomorrow.."
Crapcrapcrapshit.
Looks like there's no time to do up that fanciful self promotion ppt.

Relationships wise, no luck so far :( Bloody hell where is this Mr.Right hiding?!
I tell myself,"Patience, and keep pushing yourself to meet new people."
That reminds me - need to set a deadline. Otherwise I'ld never get to it, lazy oaf that I am......

I wanted to blog about the recent hooha over minister pay adjustments, but since this post is way past the interest period, and it's kind of a pointless entry anyway, let's just say there should be more transparency and accountability. At the end of the day that is all your average person on the street wants.

On being a woman Pt 1

Another broad topic which could go on forever. This post was partly inspired by a random Facebook post, and the revisiting of someone's blog who I find thought and shock provoking all at once. First, to the Facebook post. It read:

多微笑，做一个开朗热忱的女人；多打扮，做一个美丽优雅的女人；多倾听，做一个温柔善意的女人，多看书，做一个淡定内涵的女人；多思考，做一个聪慧冷静的女人。记住为自己而进步，而不是为了满足谁，讨好谁。

Being a woman is so tiring, then and now, just that scope differs. The quote says that a woman should do this for herself, but underneath all that are societal expectations, familial pressures, personal egos. So many facets to polish, just taking care of the intellectual bit isn't enough, got to develop sartorial style, cultured manners (because we live in a shallow world after all. Yes people could fight and deny this all they want, but sadly this holds true in so many immediate aspects of life, right down to how your colleagues perceive you.) Perhaps being a woman is like being a diamond - painstaking polishing everyday, until all facets are hard, solid, razor sharp, and you shine from every angle. 

The quote hasn't even touched on the varied pressures you face, depending on what type of woman you are - married/single/rich/poor etc. Being an unmarried woman, I cannot say with any intelligence a married woman's woes or restrictions, but man do I have alot to say about being a single woman in an urban cage.

Bringing me nicely to that blog. It was kept by Daul, a Korean supermodel. I still revisit it every now and then even though it hasn't been updated since 2 years ago, when she committed suicide at 20. Investigations were carried out, but I doubt they ever got to the root cause of her suicide. 

I miss her, she was so unique and brave. Sometimes I identified with what she wrote, sometimes I was shocked. But she was always honest, writing of her dislike for the industry's cruel mercenary ways, but also its excitement, and above all her perpetual loneliness. In a way, her blog was a visceral probe into what it feels like to come from mixed backgrounds, immersing headlong into foreign places, while trying to make sense of who you are as a woman.

Another woman who I admire also committed suicide - Slyvia Plath. Seemingly there is no link between these two, but maybe they were both sacrifices of circumstances.


"Apparently, the most difficult feat for a Cambridge male is to accept a woman not merely as feeling, not merely as thinking, but as managing a complex, vital interweaving of both.''
 
Sylvia Plath (1932-1963), U.S. poet. Isis (Oxford, May 6, 1956). Written while Plath was a student at Cambridge

Strawberry shortcake age

...which is 25 in Japan. Apparently the name comes because strawberry shortcake is hugely popular for Christmas in Japan, but this only lasts until night of 25th Dec. So same applies for girls (er women?) who reach that dreaded 25.

It's all downhill from here.

Strangely enough this could easily be one of the happiest birthdays I've spent though. It was all kinds of happy - fulfilling, thankful, loved. Got a meaningful present from my 2 best friends, with one of them picking it together with me, no less. Hopefully this gift will be used often for a very long time from now on. No promotion on the horizon yet, but shitty pay aside, the things I've learnt from this job have been priceless. Some things you just dont get with other jobs, Im proud to say that. Suddenly a great jump in the no. of actual friends I have, Facebook friends list not withstanding.

In retrospect, I think I've fulfilled at least 75% of this year's resolutions, which is a pretty good shot considering my track record. I wish I'ld stuck through with one or two items, so these are definitely going onto next year's list.

Decided not to mope about pending age and such, coz what's the point? In any case I never feel as old as I technically am. The clock's ticking, sure, just got to make the best of it somehow. It would be great if I can age like Aung San Suu Kyi, or maybe Jane Goodall. A woman who graciously accepts her age, but in no way lets it compromise her goals in life, whatever they may be.

Recently, I watched this drama series, where a woman discovers she has only 6 months to live. She decided to compile a bucket list of 25 items she wanted to accomplish before passing on. It struck home the fact that with the end  of each day, you are one day closer to death. Yes, that is a scary thought, but with a positive spin, it means each day should be treasured, doesn't it? It's not about nonchalently passing through yet another typical work day, staring at your handheld device on public transport, following other people's lives on a screen when you get home. One of the character's closing statements rang true,"I just want to treasure the present moment, spend it the best way I know how."

Age is but a number....?

As usual, quick procrastination post from work.

Just visited that guy's blog which im a creepy stalker of heh. This time around the post was a slight deviation from usual topics, and even a touch sentimental.

He was talking about age, specifically middle age. It seems like a pretty dreary life stage - there's reminisces, youth versus aimless middle age preoccupations. What stood out was a slight melancholy about the relentless passing of time, and whether time couldn't be spent better when one reaches middle age.

So happens I was discussing this with my mother recently, ageing. This is especially pertinent for females, especially when you start comparing yourself with other same age girls. Suddenly a chilling sense of  "Why am i still stuck here?" hits and the anxieties set in.

Anyway, apparently few people ever believe their own age, and there is no such thing as a more elderly perspective. You decide very early on in life principles you stand by, things you value, and just roll on through the years holding on to these. In which case, age is not such a scary thing is it? Better to age with dignity then walk around in mini skirts and too much makeup. So what if there're wrinkles? An older woman is more assured, which is probably sexier than a teenager visiting nightclubs tugging at her too short bodycon dress while worrying about her mascara running.
Maybe age just means you dont need to try so hard to portray yourself, coz if you were doing things right all along, you are already the person you always wanted to become.

8.31pm post from my office desk

And guess what? Im feeling strangely happy.

There's an increasingly fulfilling feeling I get out of this job. The scope is literally limitless - you have the absolute freedom to decide how much you want to learn, how much you're willing to put in.

So much new knowledge to absorb every single day you wonder how those long timers keep up.

It's a brutal industry - truly only the fittest survive. "Fittest" does not refer to brawn, competitive advantage really boils down to sharpness of individual insights, and level of aggressiveness in marketing and implementation.

I remember when I was being interviewed by my then manager. When I asked her to describe "a typical day in the office", she said,"No two days are the same. Work scope varies from day to day." Haha what an understatement. No wonder she had that slightly apologetic expression on her face.

xxxxx

Life is not all about work!

I shall give myself a virtual pat on the shoulder here and now. Am going for a volunteering brief this Saturday, if it sounds worthwhile I can finally get off my lazy ass.

November and December are typically the most socially active months. Need to line up all those meetups, too many people I haven't caught up with in a long time. Now it's becoming really challenging, everybody's got other commitments, work takes up a ridiculously high % of our waking hours. 

Clambering out of the 20sth whirlpool

Yes indeed. Being 20something is like being stuck in an unrelenting whirlpool. Doubts, suspicions, fears, loneliness...they all combine in such a way I wonder whether life is ever going to "turn out fine" It has gotten to the point when I question whether there's a tiny streak of lesbian in me (no.)

Alot of people sneer at so called self help books, or dont openly admit they read these for fear of seeming like losers who dont know what to do with their poor selves. Actually, I find if you take them with a pinch of salt, and apply some analytical thinking, these books are kind of enlightening (the good ones, not the ones that start every chapter with a quote eg. "Life is a bowl of strawberries!")

So. I read this book "20 something manifesto" which is pretty awesome. It doesnt attempt to give any quick fix answers, but also not sweeping statements like yes get inspired and miraculously your life will improve somehow. In summary it confirmed what Im beginning to distill from all my past experiences - You have to look deeper within yourself before you can make any life-changing decisions.
Everything from career choices to lifestyle, friends, potential husband etc etc all boil down to who you truly are internally.

Suddenly brought down nostalgia lane. I remember thinking how damn useless i was few years back, with an unimpressive resume, and everyday person on the street qualifications. The long job search made me feel depressed and worthless. It was so tempting to just jump at any offer anyone held out, just so I could end all this misery. So glad I resisted and stuck it out. When I finally decided to map out who I was, not just in terms of capabilities, but also personality, personal beliefs, it somehow made the job search so much easier. No need to spring at every vacancy, and patiently search for one that seemed a good match with who I was at that time.

And so, here I am : ) From here on, the goal is just to live fully in the moment, take baby steps towards a few specific goals, or rather, signposts. Coz we all know life is a continuing journey.....